this black woman
whose skin had been dipped in golden brown
and shimmers when sunlight kisses it
body covered in tattooed scars
hair braided long down her back
dancing a solo performance with no expectations
to her black girl's song
filled with whole notes and cacophony
her melody her lover has memorized
and croons like a songbird in the evenings
he has found beauty in her missteps
and when he joins her
there is such a thing as magic
she is queen
her hair is her crown
she is enameled in gold
ruling over all that is poetic
living among blank sheets
waiting to be filled
this is her home
Monday, November 17, 2014
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Dark Room
Imagine sitting in a pitch-black room
Alone
Can't see anything, no kind of light is able to penetrate this kind of darkness
You are scared
You want to move
But how? Where will you go?
You can't see anything
Your heart is so heavy that it suffocates air going into your lungs
You cry
but that only impairs your vision even more
Mom is on the other end of the phone
trying to guide you out of this place
telling you, honey, you have to get out of there
But you can't move
Her love isn't enough to guide you out of this dark place
And you just sit there
Alone
In this pitch-black room
Suffocating
And crying
I used to think that I was untouchable,
that depression was just a neighbor I saw in the morning when I left for school
I'd laugh and say, no, I'm just going through something
This, too, shall pass
That I needed a doctor to tell me that I am suffering from it
But then I realized this darkness was almost inevitable
That it is a heavy cloak I wear every single day,
trying to hide it with a smile but concluding that that hurt way too much
I don't need a doctor to tell me what I feel in the pit of my stomach
That I am probably the 1 in 10 Americans who suffer from depression
That not a day goes by that I feel myself slipping back into my dark room
It scares me to know that I know this dark place
But do I think I have no way out?
That I will become the unfortunate few who succumb to it
and live in eternal darkness?
No
I'm barely 20
I have yet to make my mark on this world
That is my light out of this dark room
Alone
Can't see anything, no kind of light is able to penetrate this kind of darkness
You are scared
You want to move
But how? Where will you go?
You can't see anything
Your heart is so heavy that it suffocates air going into your lungs
You cry
but that only impairs your vision even more
Mom is on the other end of the phone
trying to guide you out of this place
telling you, honey, you have to get out of there
But you can't move
Her love isn't enough to guide you out of this dark place
And you just sit there
Alone
In this pitch-black room
Suffocating
And crying
I used to think that I was untouchable,
that depression was just a neighbor I saw in the morning when I left for school
I'd laugh and say, no, I'm just going through something
This, too, shall pass
That I needed a doctor to tell me that I am suffering from it
But then I realized this darkness was almost inevitable
That it is a heavy cloak I wear every single day,
trying to hide it with a smile but concluding that that hurt way too much
I don't need a doctor to tell me what I feel in the pit of my stomach
That I am probably the 1 in 10 Americans who suffer from depression
That not a day goes by that I feel myself slipping back into my dark room
It scares me to know that I know this dark place
But do I think I have no way out?
That I will become the unfortunate few who succumb to it
and live in eternal darkness?
No
I'm barely 20
I have yet to make my mark on this world
That is my light out of this dark room
Jada's Honest Poem
Hi, my name is Jada
In Hebrew that means wise, but I will believe almost anything
I was born on the 22nd of January--dead of winter,
how ironic it is that I am probably one of the warmest people you will ever meet
I am only 4'11, but I swear I am much bigger than that
I just don't want people to believe they can take advantage of me
Because small often times means weak
I don't know how to swim, which probably explains why
I find myself drowning in my own tears often
And I have a weakness for a guy who makes me drunk off of his play on words
I'm still learning how to be sober
Because I fall for words from false lips
And often am too afraid to hear any truths
I was born a twin, and I've been afraid of lonely ever since
I like watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower
It comforts me in knowing that people just like me exist
We see things, we keep quiet about them, and we understand.
We are wallflowers.
I've been told I trust too easily,
That I always see the good in every single person I meet,
Ignore the bad signs,
And then become surprised when they do me wrong
I get really nervous when someone tells me how beautiful I am
It's not that I never thought so;
I just didn't think anyone ever noticed me
I have an odd fascination with trees and lying in grass
They remind me of the first time I fell in love
And I feel him there whenever I'm in the presence of either
I guess that's why I have attachment issues
I know it sounds crazy but it reminds me that I'm not afraid to get close to people
But I am scared to death when things stop going well and I may lose someone
Someone I have deemed as an important character in my story
I'm very clumsy
One day I tripped over my insecurities
Landed on my self-esteem
And it shattered like a fallen mirror
And has never been right ever since
I've never liked taking risks
But I have this red badge of courage that makes me go after things that may hurt me
I wonder what my walls say about me when I'm not around
I go in my room
Close my door
Undress my armor
And lie in my truth
But I don't tell it as much as I should
My name is Jada
I am a small person with a big voice and a big heart
I am a walking contradiction
I enjoy playing with animals, waking up late, and laughing until I cry
I have a solar-powered smile
And a battery-operated confidence
My hobbies currently include:
Editing my imperfections
Hiding behind my pen
And trying to convince my heart that it's not in love with the wrong person
I don't know much but I do know this:
That I am destined to write the wrongs of this world
And I know that one day somebody will love my scars
Just as much as I love theirs
In Hebrew that means wise, but I will believe almost anything
I was born on the 22nd of January--dead of winter,
how ironic it is that I am probably one of the warmest people you will ever meet
I am only 4'11, but I swear I am much bigger than that
I just don't want people to believe they can take advantage of me
Because small often times means weak
I don't know how to swim, which probably explains why
I find myself drowning in my own tears often
And I have a weakness for a guy who makes me drunk off of his play on words
I'm still learning how to be sober
Because I fall for words from false lips
And often am too afraid to hear any truths
I was born a twin, and I've been afraid of lonely ever since
I like watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower
It comforts me in knowing that people just like me exist
We see things, we keep quiet about them, and we understand.
We are wallflowers.
I've been told I trust too easily,
That I always see the good in every single person I meet,
Ignore the bad signs,
And then become surprised when they do me wrong
I get really nervous when someone tells me how beautiful I am
It's not that I never thought so;
I just didn't think anyone ever noticed me
I have an odd fascination with trees and lying in grass
They remind me of the first time I fell in love
And I feel him there whenever I'm in the presence of either
I guess that's why I have attachment issues
I know it sounds crazy but it reminds me that I'm not afraid to get close to people
But I am scared to death when things stop going well and I may lose someone
Someone I have deemed as an important character in my story
I'm very clumsy
One day I tripped over my insecurities
Landed on my self-esteem
And it shattered like a fallen mirror
And has never been right ever since
I've never liked taking risks
But I have this red badge of courage that makes me go after things that may hurt me
I wonder what my walls say about me when I'm not around
I go in my room
Close my door
Undress my armor
And lie in my truth
But I don't tell it as much as I should
My name is Jada
I am a small person with a big voice and a big heart
I am a walking contradiction
I enjoy playing with animals, waking up late, and laughing until I cry
I have a solar-powered smile
And a battery-operated confidence
My hobbies currently include:
Editing my imperfections
Hiding behind my pen
And trying to convince my heart that it's not in love with the wrong person
I don't know much but I do know this:
That I am destined to write the wrongs of this world
And I know that one day somebody will love my scars
Just as much as I love theirs
Saturday, October 4, 2014
My Weekend with BLAC
Hello, everyone!
This weekend I had the privilege of attending Teach for America's Black Leaders and Achievers Caucus (BLAC) in NYC where a group of young, Black leaders from a variety of colleges in New York gathered to discuss what it means to be Black leaders and how we can work towards education equity in our communities. When I first heard about this amazing opportunity, I figured it would be a chance for me to learn how I can work towards making changes for students of color at Marist. What ended up happening was totally unexpected.
As we dove into conversations surrounding our identities, how we made it to where we are in our lives, what we are doing on our college campuses, and what it means to be a Black male or female, I did a lot of self-reflection on my own circumstances and essentially had an "A-ha!" moment. I realized that the kind of thought-provoking conversations we were having was something that was missing in my life and have not happened since I graduated from high school. It also made me realize that I am not happy in my current situation, and I need to make some changes in my life. I have always enjoyed speaking with like-minded individuals who were just as passionate as I am about being Black and who wanted to make an impact on their communities. Not only did I learn about myself and what I want to do in my life right now, I figured out a career path that I have been battling with for awhile now: teaching.
When I tell people I am an English major, the first question they ask is, "Oh, you want to be a teacher?" and sometimes the tone comes off as condescending (or maybe I am just extremely sensitive). I always laugh and say no, but I have struggled it with it because although I've looked up to my teachers who made such an impact on me and wanted to do the same for the next generation, I wondered if it would be enough for me to feel like I accomplished something. After speaking with my peers and the staff of Teach for America who were present, I realized we all felt the same. Why not go into teaching, Jada? Be like your NSA teachers!
I have learned more about myself in the last two days, talking to people who looked like me, were experiencing similar things as me, and who wanted to make a difference in their communities, than I have in my first as a college student. Some changes have to be made. I am so fired up (in a good way) to do something meaningful instead of trying to get by in school.
I would like to thank my extended family, Ali and McIntire, for letting me know about this caucus. I would also like to thank my young, Black brothers and sisters who helped to reignite a passion in me to do my part as a Black woman on my campus and to also work towards heading back to Newark eventually to give back. That is what my high school taught me: And when you succeed, what will you do? Give back to others.
I'm on a mission. I will keep you all posted.
Much love,
Jay
This weekend I had the privilege of attending Teach for America's Black Leaders and Achievers Caucus (BLAC) in NYC where a group of young, Black leaders from a variety of colleges in New York gathered to discuss what it means to be Black leaders and how we can work towards education equity in our communities. When I first heard about this amazing opportunity, I figured it would be a chance for me to learn how I can work towards making changes for students of color at Marist. What ended up happening was totally unexpected.
As we dove into conversations surrounding our identities, how we made it to where we are in our lives, what we are doing on our college campuses, and what it means to be a Black male or female, I did a lot of self-reflection on my own circumstances and essentially had an "A-ha!" moment. I realized that the kind of thought-provoking conversations we were having was something that was missing in my life and have not happened since I graduated from high school. It also made me realize that I am not happy in my current situation, and I need to make some changes in my life. I have always enjoyed speaking with like-minded individuals who were just as passionate as I am about being Black and who wanted to make an impact on their communities. Not only did I learn about myself and what I want to do in my life right now, I figured out a career path that I have been battling with for awhile now: teaching.
When I tell people I am an English major, the first question they ask is, "Oh, you want to be a teacher?" and sometimes the tone comes off as condescending (or maybe I am just extremely sensitive). I always laugh and say no, but I have struggled it with it because although I've looked up to my teachers who made such an impact on me and wanted to do the same for the next generation, I wondered if it would be enough for me to feel like I accomplished something. After speaking with my peers and the staff of Teach for America who were present, I realized we all felt the same. Why not go into teaching, Jada? Be like your NSA teachers!
I have learned more about myself in the last two days, talking to people who looked like me, were experiencing similar things as me, and who wanted to make a difference in their communities, than I have in my first as a college student. Some changes have to be made. I am so fired up (in a good way) to do something meaningful instead of trying to get by in school.
I would like to thank my extended family, Ali and McIntire, for letting me know about this caucus. I would also like to thank my young, Black brothers and sisters who helped to reignite a passion in me to do my part as a Black woman on my campus and to also work towards heading back to Newark eventually to give back. That is what my high school taught me: And when you succeed, what will you do? Give back to others.
I'm on a mission. I will keep you all posted.
Much love,
Jay
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Confessions of a Sleepaholic
Sleep doesn't even belong to me anymore--
it belongs to us, or more so you than me.
Conversations now only exist beyond the real world every night,
climbing into bed alone in silence only to somehow find myself in you again
but then waking up to you being so far away--physically and emotionally.
I feel like I've just seen you, heard you laugh, felt your touch
only to realize that those moments are just figments of my subconscious.
You're not even real, and yet I wake and find myself missing you
or being upset over something you've said.
Whatever happened to sleep belonging to me?
Displaying my deepest desires, showing me what to make of my circumstances...
Are you now over-powering my desires and my circumstances?
You have way too much control over my mind, my feelings;
I can't stop thinking.
I can't stop feeling
Nothing seems to belong to me anymore.
Now the one moment I find peace you somehow meet me there--
whether it be a smile or a scowl.
Either I dread sleep or I look forward to it, it doesn't matter.
All roads lead right back to you.
I used to love sleeping,
escaping from my harsh reality into what seemed like perfection.
But now when I think I'm escaping my reality,
it's there in my dreams, slyly smiling in my face.
it belongs to us, or more so you than me.
Conversations now only exist beyond the real world every night,
climbing into bed alone in silence only to somehow find myself in you again
but then waking up to you being so far away--physically and emotionally.
I feel like I've just seen you, heard you laugh, felt your touch
only to realize that those moments are just figments of my subconscious.
You're not even real, and yet I wake and find myself missing you
or being upset over something you've said.
Whatever happened to sleep belonging to me?
Displaying my deepest desires, showing me what to make of my circumstances...
Are you now over-powering my desires and my circumstances?
You have way too much control over my mind, my feelings;
I can't stop thinking.
I can't stop feeling
Nothing seems to belong to me anymore.
Now the one moment I find peace you somehow meet me there--
whether it be a smile or a scowl.
Either I dread sleep or I look forward to it, it doesn't matter.
All roads lead right back to you.
I used to love sleeping,
escaping from my harsh reality into what seemed like perfection.
But now when I think I'm escaping my reality,
it's there in my dreams, slyly smiling in my face.
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Reminiscing
Dear Readers,
I've made it a point to walk on the grass whenever I'm walking around campus. Not only have I noticed that it has cut my traveling time to and from classes down significantly, I simply love how the grass feels under my feet. Today, I walked through some grass and passed under this big tree. For that brief moment, I was taken back to the spring and summer months I had spent so much time under trees in the park with a friend, talking and laughing as if no time existed. I found something poetic about it but couldn't find the right words to create a poem, so I'm writing this. It was during that time I was able to connect so deeply with this friend, where many of my heart-felt poems were born, and where I've realized marked a significant change in my life. I just felt like sharing since I haven't found anything to write.
Have any of you been writing? Share with me if you'd like!
--Jay
I've made it a point to walk on the grass whenever I'm walking around campus. Not only have I noticed that it has cut my traveling time to and from classes down significantly, I simply love how the grass feels under my feet. Today, I walked through some grass and passed under this big tree. For that brief moment, I was taken back to the spring and summer months I had spent so much time under trees in the park with a friend, talking and laughing as if no time existed. I found something poetic about it but couldn't find the right words to create a poem, so I'm writing this. It was during that time I was able to connect so deeply with this friend, where many of my heart-felt poems were born, and where I've realized marked a significant change in my life. I just felt like sharing since I haven't found anything to write.
Have any of you been writing? Share with me if you'd like!
--Jay
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Oops Again!
Readers, hello!
As you all know, I just started my second year of college, and in these last two weeks, I have been ridiculously busy! I haven't really had any down time to really write, although something potentially may be in the works (stay tuned!). It feels like I haven't even been here for two weeks; it feels much longer! I've been having so much fun, and my suitemates are just dolls! Shout out to them (hey y'all!). It seems as though my second year is going to be much, much better than my first, and I am so excited for it!
Go ahead and reread some of your old favorites; I know that's what I'll do once I finally get a chance to sit and relax. Also, I love doing Poet/Artist Spotlights, so please don't hesitate to email me or text me (if you have my number) and ask me to feature your piece. Don't feel intimidated either; I love supporting other artists and their work.
XOXO,
Jay
As you all know, I just started my second year of college, and in these last two weeks, I have been ridiculously busy! I haven't really had any down time to really write, although something potentially may be in the works (stay tuned!). It feels like I haven't even been here for two weeks; it feels much longer! I've been having so much fun, and my suitemates are just dolls! Shout out to them (hey y'all!). It seems as though my second year is going to be much, much better than my first, and I am so excited for it!
Go ahead and reread some of your old favorites; I know that's what I'll do once I finally get a chance to sit and relax. Also, I love doing Poet/Artist Spotlights, so please don't hesitate to email me or text me (if you have my number) and ask me to feature your piece. Don't feel intimidated either; I love supporting other artists and their work.
XOXO,
Jay
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)