It's So Hard to Say Goodbye

As you can tell by the title, I have some rather bittersweet news...

For the last two years, this blog has been my safe haven. Some amazing pieces of writing was born here, and it really gave me a voice that I was so desperately looking for. As you've noticed, of course, I haven't posted here for awhile. With school becoming the main focus for me, I simply haven't had a lot of time to devote to writing like I would like to. The year is winding down, though, and I've been thinking a lot about this blog of mine. I've come to the decision to revamp it in another space and give it a new name, in light of this new phase of my life. A lot of things I used to write about involved a lot of pain, a lot of uncertainty, vulnerability, but that part of my life has come to an end. So why not start over anew, fresh, like a phoenix (hint, hint!). Not to mention I have learned SO. MUCH. STUFF. during my first year at Rutgers, and I cannot wait to share it with you guys!

Thank you to those of you who have supported me and read my work. I am so appreciative of the love I have received. I'm not deleting this blog, though (there's a lot of good stuff that I want to put in my new blog). Feel free to revisit any of the ones you really like. I'm kind of sad because it is my first and I've seen my writing just skyrocket. I will keep you posted on the new blog, but be on the lookout for it towards the end of May (hopefully). 

XOXO,
Jada

Mommy's Hands

at nineteen
my mother held her swollen belly
and God blessed her hands,
His power emanating through the thin barrier
that separated the three of us
her hands chose life

as a little girl I was always obsessed
with Mommy's hands
how soft and delicate they were in my tiny palms
I always wanted to feel her warmth
that I could feel came from a higher power

with those hands
we were never without
and we were able to be

Calm After the Storm

my heart has stopped racing
breathing now requires little effort again
and my chest no longer has that throbbing ache
hugs don't hurt anymore
especially when it's his arms that are around me
I even find myself drawing more and more into his warmth
while before I couldn't bear another's touch
no matter the sincerity behind it
I used to believe that falling in love created such a thrill
that it hurt so good
an earthquake that tore through your heart
shattering everything negative
thunder rolling through the hills
shaking trees to their core
such destruction was a beautiful mess
but I've realized that this kind of falling in love
only leaves nasty scars
and have learned to turn my mistakes into art
so when people ask about them
I call them tattoos
this was how I thought I was in love with someone
you let them tear through your heart and they leave behind tattoos
but this time my heart isn't experiencing such turbulence
is this wrong?
do I not love him?
but it's moments like when I am curled up next to him
my face buried deep into the crook of his neck
his arms draped over me like a blanket over a sleeping child
or when we're asleep and he pulls me into him
such a calmness melts inside of me
this is a different kind of love.

I'm Back!

Hey everyone!

I didn't mean to take such a long break, but I really needed it. I learned that stressing over having writer's block really isn't helpful at all, so I embraced. Also, I wanted to enjoy my summer, and what an amazing one it was! Now school is starting up again next week and everything is slowly winding down. I'm back to focusing on my blog and my writing and I've even picked up some new material to read (Toni Morrison's God Help the Child). 

As many of you know, I'm beginning my third year at Rutgers University, and I have never been more excited! Mainly because I finally get to take an Africana Studies course and a very interesting creative writing class. I'm hoping that something I learn from these two courses will somehow find its way into my writing.

Just a quick update and to let you guys know I'm still here! People have been asking why I haven't been posting, too. Glad you guys care! :) Be on the lookout for new material.

XOXO,
Jada

The Revolution

Out of the huts of history’s shame

I rise

Up from a past that’s rooted in pain

I rise

I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,

Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

                                              --Dr. Maya Angelou

Like the phoenix we rise

Out of Blackened ashes 

A new nation, a new people

With sun-kissed skin strong like coffee

And hair defying the white man's gravity

Our backs no longer bearing white burdens

But carrying our fallen young brothers and sisters with us

As we fly into a world of our own

We speak their names

Say his name: Trayvon

Say her name: Aiyana

Say his name: Michael

Say her name: Renisha

Say his name: Tamir

We speak all of their names

So they will not be forgotten 

But the white man is trying to keep us down
Tearing our wings right out of our backs
Ms. Simone said southern trees were bearing strange fruit
I didn't know what she meant until I saw them too
The blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice
Suddenly meant something totally new
Using our Black skin for target practice
First it was our men and then our babies
Now we have to watch our backs as we kneel before God on Sundays

Negroes--Sweet and docile,

Meek, humble, and kind:

Beware the day--

They change their minds.

And we will rise

We will rise.

I Dreamed of Poetry

Last night I dreamed of poetry
Of lines running past each other
Like two ships passing in the night
For that small window of time
They were all each other had
Oars beating against the current
In the depths of my chest
I woke up in a panic
Running my hands over my bed
And then my body
I was missing something
My mind kept trying to wonder
And I knew if I weren't careful enough
It would lose itself again
And I'd have to spend another week
Trying to finding it among the rubble
That had piled up inside
So I tried to think about my dream about poetry
And how disturbingly calm it made me
So I filled my glass half-empty
And melted into the overwhelming vastness
Of the white paper
Because I learned that we should never
Regret loving in permanent ink
But what can be more permanent
Than tattooed scars?

Now That It's Finally Over

Pain has become the incessant flow of lovers
who stay for only one night and I ask to leave in the morning
because I don't remember their names, or don't want to remember
They are either nothing like you or too much like you
And I can't decide which is worst
How late nights and early mornings are fraternal twins
I don't make an effort to distinguish because
I see no point
I'll pour myself another glass of wine before I pour my heart out
so that I can blame this senseless act on not being sober enough
Even though sobriety feels like this constant that hasn't existed
Having now spent countless nights obsessing over
what was real and what was fake
Which one of us was the impostor?
You pretended to be sincere and I pretended to believe you
I thought that I would finally be able to breathe when it ended
but as I listened to the last thing you said to me
your hand already wrapped around my heart
tightened and yanked at it so hard
I can still feel your fingertips and palm there
I lie in bed at night and have to remind my body to take deep breaths
you've suffocated me for so long I don't remember how to breathe
A laying on of hands
Fingers pressed tightly into my throat still
I see you doing what I wanted for me
and the soreness in my chest returns as I realize
you only do for whom you really want
Now that it's finally over
my love has yet to waver
it's just standing in the empty dirt paths of my soul
arms outstretched for you
watching you grow smaller and smaller
Wishing it had never opened up for you in the first place.