Chronicles of an Internal Lunatic

I see us in the park 

Strolling the summer days of imaginings in my head 

And words from our hearts 

Told only to the wind felt even without being said...

"Hello?"

I refocus my eyes to the woman sitting in front of me, her hair pulled back into a bun, wearing a brown suit, her glasses at the tip of her nose, eyebrows raised, staring at me. Just staring at me.

"Sorry," I say, shifting my feet from underneath me.

"Another one of your trips?" I nod. She scribbles something on her pad. "How often does that happen?"

I shrug. "Enough to the point where it's just normal to me." She grunts. More scribbling. "I almost cannot function without them."

She looks up. "Why?"

"Because it is the only normal thing in my life." I shiver. "It's cold in here. Can't you fix that?"

"No." Scribbles. "What else isn't normal? Are you sleeping?"

"No." I bite my nail.

"Why not?"

I spit the nail out. "Because I don't want to. And I just can't."

"What's bothering you?"

"The people."

"What people?"

"In my head. The voices I hear. They don't let me sleep. And then when I do they appear in my dreams, taunting me. I'd rather stay awake."

She frowns at me and writes something else, this time longer. "Interesting."

"I'm not crazy."

"I never said you were. But you just told me you hear voices. The people keep you awake. They disrupt your dreams."

"That doesn't mean I'm crazy!" My voice echoes in the small room.

"I didn't say that." She's trying her best to remain calm.

"You didn't have to."

She sighs and removes her glasses, cleaning them with the edge of her skirt. "I'm not here to judge. All I'm saying is..."

If this world were mine

I would place at your feet

All that I own

You've been so good to me...

"Are you listening to me? I am speaking to you." Back to reality. "Why don't you tell me about your trips? What happens?

"They're just images of things. Things that really happened. Things I imagine would happen. Good or bad. Usually has some music with it."

"Are the people talking to you?"

I could've burned a hole right through her. "No," I say through clenched teeth. "Do not use that against me! Don't you dare make fun of me!"

She removes her glasses again and sets her pad aside. "I need you to stop feeling victimized and judged every time I ask you a question. I'm trying to help you. How can I help if I don't understand? You have to..."

I wanna know

If you have forgotten

So I will not remember you

Forgetting me...

"I said what song is it this time?" Her voice is raised this time, obviously annoyed with me. 

I roll my eyes. "There's no need to get snappy. I can't help it. And it's Efya. Remember Me."

"Why that song?"

I shrug, slouching down into my chair. "Because I've been forgotten."

"By who?"

I start thinking about the things I went through this past year. I could feel my throat tightening, the tears slowly coming to the edge of my eyes, my heart racing. She is not getting me to talk about this.

I shake my head and look down at my unsteady hands, trying to force the tears and the pain away. "When I said the people are talking to me, I mean myself. I have conversations with myself and make up scenarios or see things going a certain way--"

"Jo--"

I laugh. "--And I just talk to myself, in my head. And that carries over into my dreams. Then my dreams are telling me things that are in my subconscious--"

"Jo--"

"--Making me think about things I'm trying to forget. I just want to forget! What can't I just forget it?!" I couldn't stop the tears this time.

She sits, with her hands folded in her lap, just looking at me unfolding into my mess. So calm. So calm. "Approach your fears. That's the only way they can disappear."