This is how my 20's are going so far

At midnight, I rang in my 20th birthday three mugs of wine past delirious and waited until 2am for a phone call I never got. By then the bottle was empty and I fell asleep with eyes spilling over like a glass too full in wet sheets cursing what's his face. The wine was for me to evade this familiar darkness I carried in my chest but that night it just grew and laughed in my face. Nobody knew I was depressed. That even when I was laughing and playing, my heart was a cracked levee ready to burst at any moment. That late at night it invited itself into my bed and cradled me and even when I asked politely to have sleep it didn't go away. That when I undress in front of a mirror and try to force feed my mind and make it swallow that reflection, it throws it back up and says, This is why he is with someone else. That I wake up in the mornings and have panic attacks about not finding something, anything to do because it will occupy my idle body, strap me to my bed, and torture me with several rounds of shocks of memory I shouldn't have seen in the first place. That my smile is a band-aid I wear over scars that it continues to pick at as they try to heal. That everyday I feel like jumping out of my bones because I can't take the consistent aching that runs from my legs all the way up through my heart and into my mind. All because somebody broke my little heart and people say that we all experience heartbreak but it was the way he did it. Web MD says abuse is one of the factors of depression. That was the first time I named what he was doing to me.

Romance

What ever happened to Romance?
The sweet dance in dim light to jazz musicians
His rhythmic, steady sway sending shivers down my spine
A sip of Roscato wine as he stares into my eyes
Undressing my mind and not my red dress this time
Do you mind? he would say
Extends his hand to mine and whisks me away into the night
We would explore the city's nightlife 
With palms clasped like praying hands
Praying that this isn't another fall from grace
Preying on only laughter and smiles 
He barely brushes his lips against my right cheek
His fingers lightly resting on the small of my back
Aimlessly guiding me through the beginning spaces of his heart
Showing me his artistic lines and poetic melodies 
His honesty is almost overwhelming
I would almost be foolish to not give this a chance
This is, after all, a first taste of Romance
He would then take my hand and twirl me in the street
And if it rains--
Even better
May I have this last dance? he would say
I throw my head back
And laugh into the rain

New Year, New......Project (:

Hi, guys!

I've seriously been slacking on my blog--this past semester was absolutely ridiculous (6 classes = big mistake!) and I really didn't have the time and energy to write and update my blog like I wanted to. Now I'm on break and just taking a break from everything in general, so I'm slowly thinking of new topics to write about and discuss. The next big thing I really want to dedicate my time to is turning 20. My birthday is in 22 days, and I haven't even started yet. This is a really big deal for me, so what better way to commemorate this milestone than with poetry?! I'm so excited! So be on the lookout...it'll be published on my birthday, January 22.

2015 is only two days away and already I've seen posts about people saying the old "New year, new me" or something along those lines. Normally I avoid that for reasons I really don't want to get into, but because I've decided that turning 20 is a big deal, I do feel it's time for a change, as an individual and as a writer. I'm slowly starting to take steps to get out of this rut I've been in for the past year or so. After being at Marist for the past two years, I've realized what kind of person, student, and writer I want to be (not to mention my natural hair journey has also helped shaped these as well!). Despite the experience not being what I was expecting, I'm happy that I now know what I want. My 20th birthday is essentially the beginning of my new project: taking action steps now to get to where I need to be. That means changing environments, my mindset, my writing, my habits. I'm determined to make this my year.

XOXO,
Jay

P.S. I was going to make a list of my favorite posts from 2014...but I'm one of those artists who doesn't really like to look at his/her work. So feel free to browse through your favorites!

Toast to New Beginnings!

Hi, Readers!

I've realized that these mini letters I write to you also are very helpful to me. Not all the time poetry is satisfying; sometimes just writing down what I'm thinking is more therapeutic. I hope that you all are writing as well. People always ask me, "Jada, is this a poem? Is this good?" And my answer is always the same: there is no real way of writing poetry. People try to analyze whether a piece of writing is or isn't poetry, but I feel like those kinds of restrictions limit the individual. If you are just starting out, just write. That's what I did. Don't worry about stanzas, lines, syllables, etc. Just write whatever is in your head, and if a metaphor is what is in your head, then write it. Eventually you can learn about all the different types of poetry and try them, but don't limit yourself.

I went off on a tangent, but the reason I'm writing this is because I've been stressed out about beginning a new year in college, friendships, and just life in general. As I mentioned before, I'll be turning 20 in a few months, and for me, that marks a brand new beginning. So when I leave for school on Saturday, that's when it will begin. So I let go of whatever fears I've been harboring and just decided that I will just live. I will make school work for me and not the other way around, the people who are in my life right now and have made it with me this far are supposed to be here (and I am forever grateful for all of you, you know who you are!), and I'm about to start a brand new decade of my life. I'm very sensitive about my relationships with the people around me, and I care about maintaining a healthy friendship with them. But for those who have stuck by me and put up with me, you are truly special to me and have a place in my heart always. No matter how far apart we go, I know we'll always come right back as if no time has passed.

I am so excited about this new journey! No more negativity, no more stress, no more sadness, and no more sad poems hopefully, too!

Que sera, sera!
Jay

Roaring Twenties!

Hi, Readers!

August so far has been very eventful for my blog. I know I say this all the time, but thank you so much for reading and sharing my writing. I've received so many kind words from family, friends, extended friends, etc. It only encourages me to write more, and I am very grateful for all of the support.

Sooo....I'm turning 20 in exactly 5 months (tomorrow), and this is a big deal for me. I'm thinking of some kind of writing project to do in honor of turning 20. I'm thinking maybe 20 odes to 20 people I've met all the way up until this point, or 20 poems about different moments in my life that have impacted me and shaped me into who I will be on the 22nd of January. Whatever it is, I'm really looking forward to it! In the days leading up to my birthday, I will be posting it.


Much Love,
Jay