When I Was a Little Girl

When I was a little girl I wanted to be beautiful.

I wanted long, silky hair that grew down my back. 
I wanted to paint my face like the women in Ma's Black Hair magazines. 
I wanted to "smize" the way Tyra Banks taught her aspiring models. 
I wanted to stop traffic and turn heads by simply walking like Marilyn Monroe in her movies, 
with her shoulders tucked back and her head held high and the way her hips would swivel. 
I wanted a man to fall in love with my eyes, 
because they were the only things on the outside of me that could never tell a lie and when he did, 
I would know that he was okay with who I was. 
And once he discovered my truth, he would think I was even more beautiful 
and love me even more.

When I was a little girl I wanted to be loved, too.

Not like the cliched lie Disney told,
where a perfect princess in an unfortunate circumstance is rescued by a charming prince
whom she never met before and fall absolutely in love and live

happily. ever. after.

I wanted him to stay long enough and dig behind the makeup, the laughter, the smile
and to find my nakedness enchanting and captivating.
I could stand before him with puffy eyes filled with tears and my heart on my sleeve--
and he wouldn't run away.
He'd find me even more beautiful than before.

When I was a little girl I wanted to be beautiful enough to be truly loved.

In Memoriam: Marilyn Monroe wrote poetry, too!

Today marks the anniversary of the sudden death of Hollywood actress, Marilyn Monroe. Many of you know that I am obsessed with her! I've watched several documentaries about her and even some of her movies. I learned so much and have come to really appreciate her. She took the art of acting very seriously and did her best and beyond to perfect her work. She is truly an inspiration. When I found out that she also wrote poetry, I was beyond ecstatic. According to immortalmarilyn.com, Norman Rosten wrote: "She would often hand me a scrap of paper with something written on it & ask, 'Do you think this is poetry? Keep it & let me know.' Or she'd send a scribbled sheet in the mail asking for criticism. I would always encourage her. The poems were, in the best sense, those of an amateur; that is, they pretended to be nothing more than an outburst of feeling, with little or no knowledge of the craft. But the poet within her - & one existed - found a form for her purpose." Here is one of her many poems. Rest in Peace, Ms. Monroe.

Life-
I am of both your directions
Existing more with the cold frost
Strong as a cobweb in the wind
Hanging downward the most
Somehow remaining
those beaded rays have the colours
I've seen in paintings-ah life
they have cheated you
thinner than a cobweb's thread
sheerer than any-
but it did attach itself
and held fast in strong winds
and singed by the leaping hot fires
life-of which at singular times
I am both of your directions-
somehow I remain hanging downward 
the most
as both of your directions pull me.

Photo: A Dedication

Last Poem (Lyrics Medley)

I don't think I could keep writing you into poetry anymore...you've lost the privilege to have such recognition. And my heart wishes it hadn't come to this. I've been writing to resurrect you to no avail.

I'm so tired of all the love wounds.
Loving you is like running, like I'm chasing down a loving and there's no finish line in sight.
I would have gone to the ends of the Earth for you even though you didn't ask me to just to make you feel my love.
I would have rather gone through storms with you 
than be enamored of someone else
but my heart can't take any more of you and I'm simply just getting used to you no longer being here.
I let my heart take its chances just to be loved by you 
but now you're gone and I'm missing you when I really shouldn't have to...why do you choose to be incapable of loving me too?

I remember when you filled my heart with joy
I was so mesmerized by the shape of your eyes and the bass in your laugh and the way you saw me, I've been lost in you...you don't see me anymore.
You've so easily set me aside. I've come to the dark realization that I can never touch you again when I had to ask for permission to place my hand on your cheek...someone else has been there, too, it seems.
And I've cried.
I have lain in soaked bed sheets for over a year, hoping they'd create tracks to help you find your way back to me.
My heart and my mind have been in constant battle
It kills me to know how much I really love you and you play it so cool, I can't tell anymore if you love me still.
You said you 'd always be there for me and that things would be okay...I waited for you, but you never showed. 

I've taken everything that is you and your poems too and buried them deep deep inside of me because I've given up this fight so when night comes I'll slip away so that I'll just be a dream you remember when you wake up in the morning but then will eventually forget. 

You're the one that I love, and I'm saying goodbye.

(Featuring lyrics from: Adele, Eric Benet, Anthony Hamilton, Jennifer Hudson, Melanie Fiona, Me'shell NdegeOcello, and A Great Big World.)

Monologue

Where have you gone now?

It's been...far too long since we've last spoken.
I can't even remember how my name sounds when you speak.
You have become a dream I am trying to remember, your face is so clouded in my mind,
I don't know anymore if our interactions really happened because you come and go like a swing
At the highest point where I'm frozen in the air
I try to savor every single word you say, the rise in your chest as I lean against you, the look in your eyes,
because before I know it I'll be coming back down again,
we will be bidding our farewells,
and I will watch as you leave in the distance,
wondering when I'll feel you again.

Are you even real anymore?

Your laughter used to ring in my ears at night 
and your singing is what lulled me right to sleep.
But those sounds are childhood memories that I try so hard to recall.
I call you and get no response
and I wonder if you were just part of my imagination
manifested to take me away from my dark reality,
lying under stars by train tracks and losing track of time.
Maybe I've forced myself to believe that you existed, 
like a child and her imaginary friend who only appears at playtime...but I don't want to play...
so maybe that's why you don't come around anymore.

Did you ever really love me?
Did you?

I used to believe in you like people believe in shooting stars
but the only difference for me would be that I'd stare into your eyes
and you'd tell me, "I really love you." 
And you would stay. You would stay.
But I guess you are a shooting star after all because
you came into my life so quickly and you're leaving just the same,
right when I've accepted that I love you.
When you opened your hand to me and I placed mine into it,
I thought that this journey would be one we would endure--together.
But lately I've been wandering down this road for so long
And I'm tired--
I am so tired.
And I can't find you anywhere.
Anywhere.

Why won't you stay with me?
Because...I just want to be enough for you. 
This is so real to me...please don't let me bear this alone.
Come out from wherever you are
and I'll hold your hand and never let go.
I'll have your back as long as you have mine.

But do you still love me?
Do you?

Oops!

Hi, Readers!

Well, we are well into July...and I still haven't posted a poem/prose yet. Writer's block is the devil! Even the little project I was working on has come to a halt; I have misplaced my muse, it seems. Maybe this month will just be a break, because I literally cannot think of anything to write or to say...for now. Tonight I am feeling a little artsy, as I have picked up my drawing once again this summer. A miracle may just happen tonight. In the meantime, feel free to reread any of your favorites, and I will be back very soon!

--Jay 

The Ugly Truth

The little girl inside of me used to believe in Disney
that there was a Prince Charming for her too
and he will love her in all of her glory.
What Disney didn't tell her about love
is how much pain it can cause.

So I told her, If I ever (ever fall) in love again
I'll tread the waters with such caution
so that I'll never ever drown again.

But everything changed when our eyes met.

I didn't realize how deeply I had fallen in them
until I couldn't remember what your singing to me sounded like
and the way the corners of your mouth curled up into a smile.
Now I'm standing on the other side of a love song.
Nights have turned into late-night cravings for your touch
and I worry I am asking for too much.
Our connection has been weakening 
as someone else places their hand upon your arm.

Where had we gone so wrong?

She lies next to me on drenched bed sheets
and I'm trying to tell her that I'm sorry,
I promise her that I will do better,
that I should have done more to protect her
unintentionally exposing her to your imperfections.
Our hearts are crying out to you
wondering why you cannot hear us.
Constantly waking to our worst nightmare
realizing that you are no longer there.

I don't know what will give me the strength
to make me just walk away
because the only answers my prayers have been given
are of a stranger I refuse to believe in.
Or have you been fooling me?
Playing with my heart, taking me for granted?

You still make my heart beat.
But you are slowly killing me.

I cannot blame Disney for not telling her the ugly truth
because she's simply too young to understand
that fairytales and mankind just don't go hand-in-hand.