Chronicles of an Internal Lunatic

"I have faced them. I'm living, ain't I? I'm here, right?" I suck my teeth and reach for my pockets.

"You can't smoke in here. I won't allow it." She stares at me with such intensity. Is she trying to intimidate me?

I smile deviously and lean in towards her, whispering, "You don't scare me."

She smiles back and leans in towards me, whispering, "Yes, yes I do."

We sit there for awhile, glaring at each other before I finally sit back against my chair. But she remains. "Jo, why don't you tell me about those pills?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I don't need to."

"Then we can sit here all day." She finally leans back into her chair and crosses her legs. "I have nowhere else to be. I got food right over there. I can sleep here. But you're not leaving this office. They are going to make you go into a mental institution, but I said I would help. Because I know you're not crazy. So help me help you."

I bite the inside of my cheek and stare out of the window, watching the rain come down. I look back at her and sigh. "I wasn't trying to kill myself."

"Then what were you trying to do?"

I could feel the tears coming again. I clear my throat and look down at my hands. They're starting to shake again. "I just...didn't want to be here for a little while."

I hear her picking up her pad again and writing. "I don't understand what you mean."

I stick my hands underneath my legs and look back at the window. "Usually I avoid thinking and experiencing these feelings by sleeping. There is but so much sleep can do. You wake up eventually. Not to mention the dreams. So, I figured, how about I sleep for a couple of days? Maybe when I wake up I won't remember a thing."

"I don't understand the logic behind that."

"Look, Doctor," I say, turning back to her. "Where's the logic in hurting someone? Why do I deserve to feel like this?" No answer. "I don't. No one ever should. Unless, of course, you're the spawn of Satan. But I'm a good person. All I wanted to do was sleep, not think about a thing, and wake up and act as if nothing happened."

More writing. "Jo, I get it, but--"

"There's no but."

"But--"

I scream this time. "There's no but!"

She waits a moment, staring at me. I wish she wouldn't do that. "That doesn't mean you go and try to hurt yourself. The only way you can heal from something is if you deal with it. Time will only tell."

I squint my eyes at her. "Have you seen Forrest Gump?"

"Yes."

"You know Lt. Dan, right? Got both his legs blown off. He was so miserable, he threw his whole life away. Hated being crippled. Resented Forrest for not letting him die in honor."

"But he got new legs."

"But he will never walk the same again."

"So what's your point?"

I fold my arms across my chest and look back at the window. "I can't get a new heart, a new brain, can't erase the memories. And worst of all, my whole outlook on life has been interrupted." I lean in again towards her. "So tell me, Doc, where's the healing in that?"